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The Beauty Double-Bind: Part 2

Modified on February 8, 2010 at 10:31 AM

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Image Courtesy of eHow.com

When Exactly Did We Start to Hate Our Bodies…?

I can precisely pin-point the moment when I started to hate my body. I was twelve years old and my dad was a professor at UNLV, Las Vegas, Nevada. I hadn’t thought much about my appearance until the summer I would turn 13. The first three things to grow on my body were my nose, my arms, and my legs, and they all grew long. I looked like a gangly scarecrow.

But, I wasn’t the one to notice that or point it out. I was just a tom-boy who spent her days riding bikes, swimming in various neighborhood pools, climbing trees or rock walls, running races, playing tag, or skateboarding. I kept my hair short like a boy and I was very involved in the physical world. I had natural confidence because of the things my body did for me. It was strong, it had tons of energy, it took me all of the places I wanted to go, and it allowed me to swim or ride or hike for hours on end. I was having fun in the world just being me.

Then one day, I was crossing the street to go to my girlfriend’s house, and her older brother yelled out to me. “Hey, Big Nose!” he said. I looked up. He continued, “That’s right, Sarah, you have a Big Nose and it’s really ugly. You are the ugliest girl I have ever seen”.

Image Courtesy of sparknotes.com

I was stunned. Those words knocked the air out of my lungs. I felt instantly self-conscious and fell silent.

I hadn’t quite ever thought about it because I wasn’t interested in my appearance. I was having so much fun with just living and just ‘being’ that I hadn’t thought about how I looked and, up until that point, I didn’t really care, either.

I didn’t answer the boy back. I did not stand up for myself. I was terribly ashamed of myself, and of my nose, and I went home.

I told my parents that Danny had said I had a big nose and that I was the ugliest girl he had ever seen. They told me that was nonsense and that my nose had CHARACTER. They told me that Danny didn’t know what a nose with character looked like and Danny didn’t know a beautiful girl when he saw one. My parents believed what they were saying. They were always and continue to be my greatest champions.

But that didn’t matter. What my parents told me and thought of me didn’t matter, because MY ENTIRE WORLD HAD CHANGED. I was now “The Ugly Girl”.

Not only was I “The Ugly Girl”, I was also turning thirteen, the age when a girl first becomes a teenager. Thirteen is the age when you usually start to notice boys, and they start to notice you. Thirteen is when you and your friend’s bodies start blossoming and changing.

Thirteen is a critical year for you. It’s usually the year when you first deeply desire to be beautiful. And when you’re not beautiful, the internal torture you suffer can practically destroy your ENTIRE SENSE OF SELF.

I hoped Danny would go away and that would be the last time I would hear from him. But, that was just empty hope on my part. Danny had already told all of the neighborhood boys, who were usually my friends, about his harsh physical assessment of me.

When I came outside the next day, there was a group of my male friends standing around. One of them immediately started in, “Hey, Big Nose- Yeah, You, Big Nose!” The other boy said, “She has a big mouth too- big mouths are so ugly!!” They laughed. I was no longer just ‘one of the boys’, as I had been until that moment. I was now a girl, and an ugly girl at that.

And that day marked the beginning of the end. That was the end of me being included in the neighborhood clique of boys. That was the end of me being a confident tom-boy. That day marked the beginning of the end of self-esteem, self-worth, and the beginning of the end of my natural self-confidence. That day marked how the rest of my years on this earth were to play out. It was the day I became aware of how I looked to other people, and the day that I made the decision to allow other people to shame me because of their assessments and judgments about my appearance.

Now, I do not mean for this story to be a sob-story, because it’s not. And, after graduating high school, and going to college, I began to build my self-esteem up again, and I also ended up growing into my appearance. But, I still allow others to deeply influence me, especially when it comes to my appearance. Even to this day, in my mind, my appearance can never be good enough. And I struggle with this daily. I can always find something to nit-pick about. But, things are getting better.

And, I have learned that I am far from alone. Every woman I know struggles with her appearance. Many women report that they live internally tortured lives– like there’s a broken-record commentary playing over in their minds constantly chastising them over their thighs, or their butts, their breasts, their sagging jaw-line.

The author Thomas Hardy once quipped, “A woman would rather visit her own grave, than the place where she has once been young and beautiful, after she is aged and ugly.” Boy, his thoughts just deliver some real rays of sunshine to us women. Shame on you, Thomas.

And my question is, why is that? Unfortunately, there is some ugly truth to what Thomas Hardy says. Why is it that beauty controls us so much?

Well, I do have a theory, and this is only my opinion, for whatever it’s worth. I believe that one of the deepest desires of humankind is to feel loved, to feel part of a group, to feel deeply connected to others, and to feel validated.

Beauty has become the popular tool in society to validate or to INVALIDATE women. And sometimes I feel like if I am NOT beautiful, I am not part of the group, and therefore I am not lovable. And, if I am not lovable, then I am worthless, and I am alone. And then, a great fear takes over and I stand face to face with the abyss.

The thought of NOT being beautiful is somehow equated with this dark, never-ending abyss in my mind. I will say quite frankly that this is not logical thinking and is not based in reality. But, logical thinking or not, it is a thought that can dominate my choices and influence me to some extent, especially when I am caught off-guard by it.

And when I talk to other women, I find that the fear of not being beautiful also dominates their choices. Sometimes they choose not to go to social events, or go to the gym, or even date, if they are single. Because they have hang-ups about themselves that none of the rest of us even see. Yet, they are haunted by these beauty hang-ups, and sometimes even immobilized by them. To us, these women look gorgeous, but to them, in their minds, they believe the world only sees their (perceived) flaws.

And sometimes, it’s even worse for women who are mothers. Many of us hold this thought that we have to go on a crash diet soon after giving birth, or we have to have mommy make-overs to feel good about ourselves again. Some of my friends don’t breastfeed because other women have told them they’ll ruin the appearance of their bodies if they breastfeed. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about women choosing to breastfeed to not. They need to do what’s best for them. But, I know the wonderful bonding experience I got from having nursed my children, and I would not give that experience up for the world. How I would look afterwards did not enter my mind when making that decision.

There’s an expectation that I hear all the time from fellow mothers in my peer group. There is this unconscious, even conscious expectation, that after she has a child, she will need to magically fit back into her pre-mommy wardrobe, and carry off the same high heels and business suit, and hair-do and make-up that takes hours out of her morning routine. And, of course, she’ll still be responsible for all of her prior duties around the house, too. The baby on the way will just ‘blend into the background’, after all. And soon, everything will be back to normal, and her child will be a mere accessory she carries on her hip.

Courtesy of Sydney Morning Herald

For most of us mothers, that couldn’t be FARTHER from the truth. First off, it takes some of us years to fit back into those clothes, and some of us never do. The fact of the matter is, many women’s bodies change after child-birth, yet we still hold onto an illusion and an EXPECTATION that we should look as we did prior to having children. These unrealistic beauty expectations just keep getting heaped upon us, and when we don’t meet the expectations, some of us feel like giant failures.
Unfortunately, we ourselves are the culprits for heaping expectation upon expectation.

I remember looking in the mirror about a week after giving birth to my second son. I could not stand the sight of myself. I had never seen my body look so ‘deformed’. Deformed was the only word that came to mind. I immediately told myself, “Come on, Sarah, you just went through a tough pregnancy and tougher labor. Your son was in the ICU for three days. You can cut yourself some slack”.

Yet, the truth of the matter is, that didn’t change the way I felt about myself. The emotions I felt came in like a flood. I saw my body and just cried. I felt so ugly at that moment and even felt ashamed to be around my husband. This was extremely unhealthy thinking on my part. But, the truth of the matter is, I felt this incredibly deep, visceral fear that my husband wouldn’t love me anymore simply because of the way I looked. Sometimes, I felt so ashamed of myself during the weeks and months it took for the weight to start coming off.

Sometimes, I felt like half a person. And the reason I felt like half a person was because there’s always this deep-seated fear that IF I am not pretty enough, I will not be loved. And if I am not loved, I will be alone.

Now, to my husband’s credit, he was so loving to me during this time. His eyes just lit up every time he saw me cuddling the baby, which was often. He took tons of pictures against my protestations, and he insisted I looked great. Now, looking back at those pictures, I can say I looked good and the love I have for my child really shined through my face. I didn’t look anything like the image I had of myself in my own head, and that love that was lighting up my face gave me a certain glow that made me beautiful.

So, how do we, as women, start getting out of this beauty double-bind once and for all? How can we be at peace with our appearance?

In my next post, I am going to share some of my own personal affirmations that have been helpful to me. I am also going to present a different perspective on what beauty actually is and how we can feel more beautiful ourselves.

Stay tuned for Part Three and keep those comments coming!!

Blessings,
Sarah

Related posts:

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Posted By Sarah Polyakov
on February 10, 2010 at 9:00 AM
Filed Under: Body Shapes
Tagged With: body image, Body Shape, ugly girl

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This is what our homeschool looks like sometimes. This is what our homeschool looks like sometimes. ๐Ÿฅณ

Canโ€™t believe my oldest son is 13 and outside helping dad do home projects like building a new deck. ๐Ÿคฏ Seems like yesterday he was in his walker on this back deck and it looked a lot better ๐Ÿ˜‚

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My first born son turned 13 years old today. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ My first born son turned 13 years old today. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

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I asked him if he could stay 12 for one more year but he didnโ€™t like that idea. ๐Ÿ˜’ Was worth a shot, right? 

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Being a mom is hard. Being a mom and trying to sta Being a mom is hard. Being a mom and trying to stay healthy and fit is harder. ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿฅต

Luckily, there are holistic wellness products that can help make the motherhood journey easier!

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What truly sets Lost Empire Herbs apart is their extensive collective knowledge, derived from years of hands-on experience, unwavering commitment, and a willingness to explore new horizons. Driven by a genuine desire to enhance lives, they made a resolute decision to make the benefits of these exceptional herbs accessible to a wider audience. 

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The aquarium includes interactive tide pools, exhibits, and tons of immersive activities. See otters, touch sting rays and nibble fish, interact with tropical birds and so much more. They even have axolotls and sharks! There is so much to see. We spent over 3 hours exploring the exhibits! And of course we had to stop in the amazing gift shop before we left. Donโ€™t miss it! 

Living Shores is a fun, interactive environment that is perfect for the whole family! If youโ€™re going to visit the White Mountains this summer, definitely make time to stop at @livingshoresnh! ๐Ÿ  ๐ŸŸ ๐Ÿฆ€ 

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This is what our homeschool looks like sometimes. This is what our homeschool looks like sometimes. ๐Ÿฅณ

Canโ€™t believe my oldest son is 13 and outside helping dad do home projects like building a new deck. ๐Ÿคฏ Seems like yesterday he was in his walker on this back deck and it looked a lot better ๐Ÿ˜‚

Thankful that @homedepot has great prices so we could finally afford to do this home reno project! ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐ŸŽ‰

#motherhood #motherhoodunplugged #hereisourhomeschool #motherhoodthroughinstagram
My first born son turned 13 years old today. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ My first born son turned 13 years old today. ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

Somebody hold me. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

I asked him if he could stay 12 for one more year but he didnโ€™t like that idea. ๐Ÿ˜’ Was worth a shot, right? 

Scroll for the outtakes ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

This kid blows me away daily and makes me so proud to be his mom. I donโ€™t have enough words to describe how much I love this child. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Drop a comment and wish this boy a happy birthday! ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‚ 

#homeschoollife #homeschoolfamily #momlife #momlifeunfiltered #momlifeunplugged
Being a mom is hard. Being a mom and trying to sta Being a mom is hard. Being a mom and trying to stay healthy and fit is harder. ๐Ÿ‹๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿฅต

Luckily, there are holistic wellness products that can help make the motherhood journey easier!

Lost Empire Herbs stands out as a remarkable family venture led by three health-conscious brothers who share a profound dedication to a wholesome, active lifestyle. 

Their journey began with a modest kitchen table and the introduction of pine pollen, but it has since evolved into something truly remarkable, exceeding all expectations.๐Ÿ˜ฑ

What truly sets Lost Empire Herbs apart is their extensive collective knowledge, derived from years of hands-on experience, unwavering commitment, and a willingness to explore new horizons. Driven by a genuine desire to enhance lives, they made a resolute decision to make the benefits of these exceptional herbs accessible to a wider audience. 

Their primary focus revolves around offering hormonal support, a vital consideration given the prevalence of endocrine-disrupting compounds in today's world, although their scope extends beyond this singular realm. ๐ŸŒฑ 

I'm genuinely enthused about the prospect of trying out their products, eagerly anticipating the chance to personally experience the transformative effects of these wellness herbs. The brothers' evident passion and expertise have left me intrigued and eager to embark on a journey towards total wellness, guided by the offerings of Lost Empire Herbs.

@lostempireherbs #lostempireherbs #holistichealth #holistichealing #holisticwellness #holisticlifestyle #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodjourney #motherhoodthroughinstagram #unleashthepowerofnature #rootingforyourhealth #hormonehealth @apexdropofficial
Slow down a little and visit @storylandnh !! It s Slow down a little and visit @storylandnh !!

It seems like summer is almost over and youโ€™re probably scrambling to get all the things done on your bucket list. But donโ€™t forget to slow down and have some fun with your kids this summer!!

Story Land in Glen NH is a great way to make some beautiful summer memories with your family! If you live in the New England area, definitely plan a visit before summer slips through your fingers, mama! โ˜€๏ธ ๐Ÿ–๏ธ 

LIKE + SHARE if you needed this reminder to slow down and have fun! 

#motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodjourney #momlifeunfiltered #motherhoodrising #motherhoodthroughinstagram
Looking for something fun to do in New Hampshire t Looking for something fun to do in New Hampshire this summer? Living Shores Aquarium in Glen NH is an indoor walk through adventure that allows your whole family to discover the wonders of the ocean year-round. 

The aquarium includes interactive tide pools, exhibits, and tons of immersive activities. See otters, touch sting rays and nibble fish, interact with tropical birds and so much more. They even have axolotls and sharks! There is so much to see. We spent over 3 hours exploring the exhibits! And of course we had to stop in the amazing gift shop before we left. Donโ€™t miss it! 

Living Shores is a fun, interactive environment that is perfect for the whole family! If youโ€™re going to visit the White Mountains this summer, definitely make time to stop at @livingshoresnh! ๐Ÿ  ๐ŸŸ ๐Ÿฆ€ 

COMMENT and tell me which part your kiddos would like the best! ๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿป

 #familytime #motherhoodunplugged #momlifeunfiltered #whitemountains #familygoals #familyfriendly
Donโ€™t be fooled. You donโ€™t need the perfect br Donโ€™t be fooled. You donโ€™t need the perfect branch to hang a swing in your yard. All you need is a tree and Slackers Build A Branch!

I got mine from @bolderplay! ๐Ÿฅณ

Would this product solve a common problem for you too?! Comment and let me know! ๐Ÿ‘‡๐Ÿป

Motherhood is hard. Sometimes cool products make it easier! ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

#motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodrising #momlifebelike #motherhoodthroughinstagram #motherhoodjourney
Youโ€™re so exhausted you feel like youโ€™re gonna Youโ€™re so exhausted you feel like youโ€™re gonna die, but thenโ€ฆ
.
.
.
.
.
.
SURPRISE!!
.
.
You canโ€™t fall asleep!!!!!
.
.
.
Oh the joys of motherhood! Anyone else relate?!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎโ€๐Ÿ’จ๐Ÿฅฑ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ

#momhumor #honestmom #parentinghumor #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodjourney #motherhoodrising
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Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
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