Sex. Teenagers are fascinated by it, seniors reminisce over it when they don’t have it anymore, and everyone else does what they can to fit it into life. Sex is a huge part of the human experience and without it, life can feel pretty empty. Falling into a routine and having dry spells? Those are totally normal. Lulls are expected when life gets busy, it’s when you go completely without that connection to another human being that it can feel emptier and less fun. Improving your sex life may be something on your radar but not something you feel the need to rectify immediately and that’s also okay.
Switching up your routines can lead you toward a much better sex life that is satisfying and makes you feel happier and healthier. This is what you need to feel successful and while they’re nice, the end goal of great sex isn’t always an orgasm. In fact, most people just enjoy the participation of the act and having a pleasurable experience in general. Improving your sex life takes some time, too, and if you are undergoing hormone therapy for your sex drive, you might want to consider giving that more time before panicking if something is really wrong. However, taking your sex life to the next level takes understanding why a healthy sex life is a good thing in the first place.
A good, healthy sex life is good for you because of the time you invest in your relationship and your time having sex! It’s not just about how it feels but it can help you to reduce physical pain, lower your blood pressure, boost your immune system and allow for a much better night of sleep. The best part is that it can also help you to reduce stress, releasing oxytocin and build emotional intimacy at the same time. For most couples, sex is an important part of being together romantically. The thing to remember is that there is no linear way of making your sex life a good one. What looks good to one couple won’t look good to another, and what makes your relationship deep is being on the same wavelength together. It’s up to you both to define what makes a good sex life and communication is the key. If either of you need help with that, speaking to a couples therapist or a GP can help you to determine where you go next with your sex life.
The next thing to do is what you can to spice it up. If you both have communicated that you’re in a rut with it, then working on tactics to keep it alive and exciting is your prerogative. So, let’s take a look at twelve amazing and helpful ways that you can improve your sex life – without waiting around.
- Work on the emotional side first. For women especially, the connection with sex is not just a physical thing. When you are feeling emotionally vulnerable and safe with your partner, you’re going to feel more passionate and have a sex life that is far more pleasurable. Knowing that your partner is in your head and gives you the opportunity to really relax and build up that closeness. You can communicate together, asking how you’ve made each other feel supported lately. That’s the key to an emotional connection: conversation! Being comfortable enough to sleep with someone means that you are in the right space to talk.
- Ask what they like. Communication continued, you need to talk through what you like and what they like and don’t be afraid of this part. Conversations like this should also cover sexual health and previous partners. If you’re going to be naked together, you’re going to have to get used to open conversations about this. You can then learn what they like in bed and discuss what you like, which will make you both feel like it’s the right thing to do together. Initiating intimate conversations can feel awkward at first but if they’re the right person to have sex with, that’ll pass.
- Create some distance. Believe it or not, a good way to excite your sex life is to feel wanted. Creating just a touch of distance can help you to refocus your attention and it’s this attention that gives it an erotic charge. You can then add more synergy and curiosity into the mix, using text messages and social media to spice up your time together. It’s this that can really light a fire under your relationship, especially if it needs it.
- Self serve. You might think that masturbation is something you shouldn’t do when you’re in a relationship but it’s actually one of the best things that you can do. Not only is it fun and a good way to relax, you need to find a way to let go from time to time. Masturbation is all of those wonderful things, but it’s also a great way to learn what you like. You cannot expect your partner to know what you want in the bedroom without exploring it for yourself. How do you know where you would want to be touched? How could you know what makes you feel aroused? Exploring toys and porn – in any sense that matters – will help you to no end. Once you understand what feels good you can communicate it to your partner.
- Schedule it in. No, it’s not boring to add it to your calendar. Sometimes, you have to make time for sex and being together. When you have jobs and kids and a social life, you need to find the time to be together and so scheduling a time in can be the sexiest thing that you do. It shows that you are making time for your partner and making time for you both to connect. Even if you don’t have sex, scheduling time to be intimate together is a wonderful thing to do and gives you something to focus on through the day, too.
- Start your day with intimacy. If you are someone who loves to wake up and sink into your partner, you should make a point of not waiting until bedtime to get jiggy. Morning sessions should boost both your energy and your confidence, and it’s a wonderful way to ease into the day together, too.
- Talk about initiating. Are you someone who initiates first all of the time? If so, it gets tedious after a while. You end up feeling like someone constantly asking for it and that can leave you feeling unappreciated. If this is the case for you, talk to your partner about swapping out who initiates with who and remember that taking charge is nice, but it should be shared. You deserve to feel desired and your partner should know if you don’t.
- Get a little adventurous. Work out together what you could do to make your sex life a little more adventurous. When you experience something new together, you get closer. Not only can you revel in the fact you’ve enjoyed a whole new thing to experience, you can tick things off an internal bucket list! Talk about anything you fantasize about and talk about things that you would like to explore together. It all comes down to communication being that game changer.
- Breathe and relax. Always notice how you breathe when you’re in a sexy situation. It’s easy to hold your breath in anticipation, but it’s going to prevent you from thinking. When you’re not breathing, you’re not thinking and you need to be able to think to enjoy your sex life.
- Don’t just rush to the main event. Sex is fun, but it’s not the be all and end all. Half the fun – well, more than half the fun – is in the foreplay and the conversation beforehand. No one really needs to advocate for foreplay but you should consider it! You need to make a point of taking your time and exploring one another, talking and laughing along the way. You should be able to be vocal about the things that feel good and if you can’t, they’re not the right person.
- Use language. Whether you do this via text or together, talking dirty can be a wonderful way to rile each other up in a positive way. If you aren’t someone who likes to talk during the act, learn to be vocal in other ways and learn to build up the suspense of being together with texts. The key is in learning what your partner likes the most and working that together.
- Wait. There is a whole movement called edging; the art of beginning your partner almost over the crescendo but stopping just before. This can help you to elongate the process of pleasure and have an amazing experience.
Sex changes a couple and if you need to improve it, the only person who is really going to help you is your partner. Don’t be afraid to talk it out properly!