Behind every chic girl is a good stylist, but the secret to every chic girl’s look is encapsulated in her under-pinnings. I just love the word under-pinnings to refer to a lady’s unmentionables. It adds a hint of mystery, a little tension, the spice of the exotic.
But, if you don’t buy that explanation, you do have to admit that ‘under-pinnings’ sounds so much more worldly and eloquent than just saying: ‘panties’, ‘undies’, ‘under garments’, or the most unfortunate term of all, ‘butt floss’. It’s always so enlightening when one is facilitating a corporate board meeting with clients and one of the women in the room feels that she needs to announce that her ‘butt floss is causing her a real problem, with all this sitting and stuff’. That’s enough to knock even dear Miss Manners off her tuffet. It’s always a shame when ladies discuss unmentionables in public, and how these unmentionables are performing absolutely untoward acts to unmentionable parts on their body. Why, the whole discussion is simply unmentionable. Fortunately, we have the lovely word ‘underpinning’ to save us from such vulgarity. The word Under-pinning allows ladies to swap secrets on these types of garments without offending any innocent, doe-eyed bystanders.
But, let’s cut to the chase here. Holiday season is here, whether we like it or not. Holiday season is literally a girl’s worst enemy, especially after we have children and start finishing our plates of mac and cheese, as well as theirs. We are industrious and well aware that people are starving in China, so every good girl knows she must finish her plate. Finishing her plate, after all, makes the world a better place! (Or at least this is a good way to feel good about indulging in comfort food after a stressful day). While others may have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, many of us are terrified about how that itsy-bitsy-teeny-tiny-short-ruffled-tight-red-dress will look on our….shoulders. After all, that ice cream just goes to straight to my shoulders, you know. I must be genetically gifted! (And if you believe that, I have some swamp land to sell you in Florida.) So, let’s get real, the truth of the matter is, some of us make midnight ice cream runs to the fridge more often than we’d freely admit in front of gracious company– and sometimes those ice creams runs have the unfortunate side-effect of adding an extra lump here, a fold there, or an all-out giant pair of handles, in some cases. But, like Superman soaring in to save the day, we have underpinnings as our secret weapon. And, no girls, you are not obliged to tell your friends. If your ultra-thin best friend notices you appear to have lost 10 pounds since a couple of HOURS ago, you may sweetly smile and say ‘Thank you’. After all, those girls who are fortunate enough to weigh under 100 pounds don’t need the charity of underpinnings. But, of course, as us girls cannot help but be charitable to our friends, there are exceptions to the rule. Should a friend secretly happen to confess that she has a very exciting midnight rendez-vous with a tall, dark, and chilly object named Whirlpool or Frigidaire, then we absolutely should, out of kindness, let our dear friend know about our secret underpinnings. After all, it really is the sportsman-like thing to do.
I have scoured the web, feverishly, with sweat on my brow, to find my favorite discreet under-pinnings that are also relatively affordable. A girl should not have to pay a fortune to look fabulous.
- The strapless slimmer – $42.99
- High-waisted hip and thigh shaper – $9.99
- High-waisted slimming panty – $29.99
- U-Plunge Bra – $35
- Ultimate Lift Low-Back bra with invisible straps – $50
- Lytess for Shape fx corrective body shaper – $80
- Lytess for Shape fx corrective belt – $40
Women of America, we must unite this holiday season and demand, in unison, that “Yes we can wear that holiday dress!” We must protest, “Yes we will wear that extra slinky tight thingy and we will look fabulous!” And we must look our open closet straight in the eyes and declare, “Closet, I am not afraid of what you have to give me, I have my secret weapon, so dish it out, baby!”
So girls, run out and buy your secret weapon this holiday season, and go forth, proudly, into battle, knowing that you too are going to win the battle of the bulge!