Marriage is hard. It seems, for some of us, to get harder, the more we try to fix things. Not everyone is equipped with the skills and tactics to handle relationship issues, so we go to someone who can. Most of the times, it works. For a while. Many of us find ourselves going back to the same routines that had caused the problems in the first place.
So what do we do? We call our couples therapists again. Sit at the same spots on the couch and listen to the same speech, only this time, worded differently. Not saying couples therapy is trite or doesn’t help, but it’s not something that warrants dependency.
When you absolutely need to seek professional intervention, be aware of the things you would never, or almost never hear.
It’s All Your Fault
Nobody likes to be put on the spot, especially by someone whom you’re paying to talk to. You are not an exception to this. Married couples choose to go to therapy because both partners want to hear they are right, and let’s face it: sometimes you’re just in the wrong. This is not because we aren’t capable of admitting our mistakes, we’re just not capable of admitting defeat.
Couples therapists know this, and so they avoid telling you you’re the actual reason for the session. They equivocate until both you and your partner settle on mutual contribution to the problems at hand. Pretty good, right? Well, you always left the office convinced, so it must be.
To most of us, not having to admit defeat can be considered a victory. But marriage isn’t a game. Winning an argument doesn’t necessarily earn you respect; it just takes away the will to speak from the other person.
You Should End It
The philosophy of therapy is to heal and sustain. Couples therapists strive to mend and rekindle relationships. They suggest amends, encourage extra communication, anything to make it work, no matter how hopeless your situation may seem. And it’s great.
Not all marriages can be salvaged, however. Sometimes the effort spent on maintaining what has run its course produces more problems than it can fix. If your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive, then you need to protect yourself.
Not all breakups should be adversarial, either. There are professionals who can help handle a separation without the involvement of the court. You can visit the website of mediation services to find out more.
You Don’t Need to Be Here
This happens to a lot of newlyweds and young couples. We just made the biggest commitment of our lives, so we don’t want anything to go wrong – not even the smallest things. So we freak out and race to the couples therapist office at the tiniest hiccups. Next thing we know we’re there twice a month, and sometimes for no reason at all other than to touch base.
Does that mean couples therapists want people to be miserable? No, they just want miserable people. Worrying about every little inconvenience and setback in your relationship makes you miserable. If you need to rely on a third party to handle your marriage, who exactly are you married to?
Face it Now
You cannot have a perfect marriage. You’re not supposed to. It’s all about compromise and accepting each other’s flaws. And when you’re not happy, think about the qualities that brought you together in the first place.
Overcoming your relationship hurdles on your own makes you both stronger. Your couples therapist may give you helpful advice, but the solution depends on what you do with it.