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“When I looked in the mirror, it was like cutting my body up into different pieces and evaluating the pieces, as if it was some sort of thing … I would really focus on different parts and then rip those parts apart, being hypercritical. It was a violent way to look at my body. ” From the book “Sacrificing Ourselves For Love”

There once was a zen master who acquired a new student who was very eager to learn. The new student explained that he wanted to learn all that there was to learn and to know the very secrets of the universe. As the zen master scratched his beard inquisitively, he replied to the student, “Very well. I will teach you all you need to know, and we will have a tea ceremony every day precisely at 4pm, and your presence will be required”.

That sounded fair enough to the student and he was overjoyed to be under the instruction of such a wise man. The zen master and his student had tea precisely every day at 4pm. Each day, the master held a long, gnarled walking stick in his hand. And, each day, after the tea was poured, the master announced, “If you drink the tea that you have been given, I will beat you with this stick”. The student looked terrified. “Conversely, if you do not drink the tea set before you, I will also beat you with the stick”. Now the student WAS terrified. Either way, the student would receive a beating with the master’s stick. This is certainly not what the student had signed up for, nor was it his idea of learning. But, he trusted the master’s plan.

On some days, the student surmised that since he was going to receive a beating, he’d at least enjoy the tea, and he drank up. And he always received a beating after he drank the tea. Other days, he was so anxious about the impending doom, he lost his appetite and didn’t drink the tea. He still received a beating.

One day, the student decided that he was plain fed-up with the way he was being treated and he had the bruises to show for it, too. He thought about walking out on the zen master and finding another teacher, but he just didn’t have the courage to do it. Would he receive an even bigger beating if he left? The student felt stuck and victimized. The unfortunate student could feel his anger welling up in his throat.

That day, as the tea was poured, the student seethed and would not break the master’s gaze. He was attempting to stare the master down. The student eyed the walking stick and braced himself for pain. After the tea was poured, the master reached for his stick, with a dour, serious expression, and raised his stick forebodingly in the air.

In an instant, the student sprang to his feet and wrangled the stick away from the master. He took the stick and broke it in two pieces and threw it away, all before the master’s eyes. All of a sudden, the student filled with intense fear– he had just broken the master’s stick. Now, he was REALLY going to get it.

But, to the student’s surprise, the master’s eyes lighted up and a large smile broke the master’s dour expression. The student looked puzzled as his own fear started to subside. The student didn’t understand why the master would smile. What did it all mean?

The master looked his student in the eye and said, “You are now free to go. You have now learned ALL that you will ever need to learn”. And with that, the student went on his merry way, never to see the zen master again.

The story above, which I have edited from another text, illustrates what is called the “double-bind situation”. A double-bind situation is a situation or circumstance where you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You’re in a catch 22. You SEEM to be trapped. But, the story of the stick teaches us that, truly, there are no real double-bind situations if we can just FIND THE STICK and have the courage to TAKE IT AWAY.

The current beauty standard that women are supposed to live up to is a classic double-bind situation. You see, we are told to be thin and to have a flat stomach and slender thighs. But, the flat stomach is supposed to be accompanied by a DDD bra size and a round behind. Now, most women who are extremely thin do not have such a body type naturally. Then there are the girls with natural DDD breasts and round behinds. They usually do not have extremely slender thighs and wash-board stomachs. To acquire a flat stomach and slender thighs, they would need to enlist the help of tummy tucks and liposuction. And did I mention that their DDD breasts also have to be perfectly perky, round, and defy gravity all at the same time? Did I mention that the stomach also has to be a six-pack and perfectly muscular? Did I mention that the woman’s behind must be round but cannot have any fatty tissue on it?

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